There are days when I truly understand the mindset of those who end up on a roof with a sniper rifle taking potshots at passersby below ... the last few days I can really relate. Not that I actually would, but I can understand the hysterical frustration of being backed into a corner with no way out ...
I've been nervous as crap lately because I had to buy the car ... a car payment for the first time in many years! And work hasn't been going as well as I had hoped recently. Money is a bit snug these days, not strangulating tight, but I have to watch it carefully. Then, I find out that I am somehow going to have to cough up a rather tidy sum within the next few weeks. From which orifice I am expected to haul this from, I know not, but the penalty for not doing so is one that gives me chest pains to contemplate.
Full-on, long-ass rant below the fold ... you have been warned.
Darling son, with all his ongoing issues, will surely be the death of me yet. Back in May, he got himself into a large pot of trouble at school. He had one of his manic episodes in class and wound up arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. This is not the first time ... he has been in this kind of trouble a couple of times, always related to his bipolar disorder, but the law doesn't care about that. He's paid the price, dealt with the consequences and we moved along.
This time, however, was different. At the initial hearing, he decided to plead not guilty. At the time, I could have knocked him upside the head. God knows, even if found not guilty in court, you still pay an enormous price ... it is usually better to just accede to the charges and accept the penalties. Not this kid ... no sir. In his mind, he did not do what he is accused of. Or rather, he was not being disorderly AT THE TIME the police arrived and arrested him. Therefore, he isn't guilty as charged. He does admit to being out of control prior to this, but not when arrested. Understanding how the bipolar mind processes thought is nearly impossible for those of us with non-bipolar minds. Just go along with this for now ...
So we have a repeat appearance in court a couple of weeks ago. We have a new probation counselor ... the first one is no longer there. This one is a bitch from hell ... she obviously hates these kids, and is openly hostile to their parents. I watched her with a couple other families, and she was just as hateful to them as she was with us.
She asked me if I had an attorney for my son. I told her that I did not, I cannot afford one. She asked if I had applied for a public defender, I had and we do not qualify. Then we go in front of the judge. He also asks about the attorney, and I answer the same. Then the bitch says to the judge that my son does not seem to understand the charges against him, and she has strongly recommended that I hire an attorney but I was being uncooperative ... !!!
The judge reset the hearing for a later date, so that an attorney could be arranged for. When we got outside the courtroom, I got in her face and asked her just why the hell she said that. She just said again that he needs an attorney, and again, that I should get a public defender if I cannot afford one on my own. I told her we didn't qualify last time, but that a judge assigned one anyway. Then she said that because he had one before, he qualified for one again, regardless of income. Why didn't she tell me that to fucking begin with???
So, she had me fill out some papers again, then said she would petition the judge for the PD. And we left.
Last week, I got the letter from her telling us the new court date. I also got an invoice from a PRIVATE attorney for $1250!!! With it was a copy of the court order stating that parents will pay because we have not been found indigent! Note the plural parentS ... back to that later.
I hit the roof. WTF is this shit?
It only gets better. I called the attorney in question to inform him that I cannot pay the fees, and what I need to do from here. The only answer he had was to pay. Great. With what? He said he could make payment arrangements, how about $100 a month. How about you kiss my ass, fucktard. What part of "I don't have one spare penny" is so hard for these idiots to understand? He also told me that he thinks the charges are a bit out of line, but that the school is taking a no-tolerance stance from now on.
Great. A school for kids with major issues is now zero-tolerance when they have issues. This one is making my head spin. His school consultant is due to call any day for pre-planning on the coming school year. I honestly do not want to send him back there if this is the new policy ... it would be too dangerous for him to be there. He's off medications for now because he lost his TennCare coverage. He's destabilizing fast and it won't be getting any better. I will have some choice words when she calls.
The conversation with the attorney went nowhere. He put words in my mouth, said that I said that we didn't need an attorney. What I said was that my son didn't need to be pleading not guilty, if he just owned up to it, then we wouldn't need an attorney. Then the fucker hung up on me. The bitch probation counselor hasn't returned my calls and neither has her supervisor.
At this point, I just want to scream.
Back to that plural "parentS" ... it seems they have sent half the attorney bill to his father. Great. As if he needs yet another reason to go all hostile and pissed off at me. I can hardly wait for his reaction. My daughter called me the other day ... I saw the number on the caller ID and nearly got ill, untill I heard the voice mail message and knew it was her. Still, I was afraid she was put up to calling, to get me on the phone, so he could then get on and blast me from one end of the state to the other. Yessiree ... that's just something I so enjoy. There is no telling what he is going to do ... I get ill contemplating the possibilities. Of course, every bit of this is entirely and completely my fault, you know ... just ask him.
At this point, I have no clue what to do, where to go, who to talk to ... nothing. I somehow have to make this money appear out of thin air. There is no solution for this at all.
Onwards ... in the mail yesterday was a letter from the landlord saying I have ten days to pay my June rent, or I will be evicted. According to my online banking and bill pay records, I did pay it. I checked every month back to January. The checks were sent, cashed and debited from my account. I called and spoke to an office drone who said I would have to prove it. OK ... I will fax that right away. But noooo! Somehow my dial up modem is whacked and won't send. I had to put that troubleshooting off to today because of family activities. But I got onto it this evening. It only took three hours of installing and uninstalling drivers, and somewhere in the process I whacked my network connection so I had no internet access. Great. I was supposed to be working on a client site, it was supposed to be done today. Fuck if I don't get fired if I don't have it up by next weekend ... a weekend in which I will be out of town. Fuck a bunch of fucked up ducks! Somehow I will have to get it done this week ... in the evenings after work. I have three emails from prospective clients too ... hell if I can commit to taking those jobs on too. Fuck fuck fuck!
Right about now I hate the whole fucking world ...
« Hush me up!
