The Smirking Father
Update 1/30/05: Please see the comment my daughter has left on this entry. I am publishing it at her request, as is, with no editing. I know it will evoke some strong reactions in many of you. If you feel you need to respond to it, please keep in mind that she is only 14. Be gentle. Those of you who have access to the other place, you can let 'er rip there.And no, there is still no indication that their father is going to take the steps necessary to see his son, much less ensure that he receives the medical care he needs. I am still waiting though ...
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So I get this email from my son's teacher the other day ....
Just wanted to let you know that J has been having a great deal of difficulty at school on several occasions now due to getting upset about not seeing his father. He has stated that he really wants to see his dad, but that DCS has to arrange it, etc. I do not know what the situation is exactly, of course. Mr. Jason and I discussed this on Friday, and I believe that he was going to email you also. I don't know how much J and you have talked about this recently. He vaguely indicates that he does not let you know how much this is bothering him and how much he wants to see his dad. He has been very tearful about it several times at school recently, including having angry outbursts that turn into tears and talking about his dad.
I am also seeing a lot more anger, frustration, anxiety and depression in my son lately. Since right at Christmas. It is scaring me ... badly.
Now what happened at Christmas, you may ask ... well, my son's father sent him a note saying he wanted to see him. Big deal, right? Well, considering that it has been three and a half YEARS since his father has made any attempt at all to even contact his son, much less be a father to him ... yeah, it's a big deal.
Posted by LissaKay on 01/26/05 at 02:43 AM in
A Mother's Courage
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14 yrs old or not, the child needs to have her mouth washed out with soap. To talk to an adult like that is bad enough, but you're her mother. Doesn't say much for the guidance she's getting at the place she lives does it?
Posted by Lynne on 01/30 at 11:04 PM
Holy shit. Holy shit!
First off, if I ever talked to my mother like that, my FATHER would have beaten the living shit out of me. No matter how angery my dad ever got at my mother, if I EVER disrespected my mother that way, he would have personally KILLED ME. The fact your daughter is allowed to address you this way, with her father's approval, shows exactly what's going on.
Secondly, I'm amazed that she knows so much about what's going on. It's as if her father hasn't made any attempt at all to shield, to protect her from the visciousness of the situation. Oh, wait a second... :/
Lissa, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all this crap. You're a much stronger person than I am, because at this point, I would have given up.
First off, if I ever talked to my mother like that, my FATHER would have beaten the living shit out of me. No matter how angery my dad ever got at my mother, if I EVER disrespected my mother that way, he would have personally KILLED ME. The fact your daughter is allowed to address you this way, with her father's approval, shows exactly what's going on.
Secondly, I'm amazed that she knows so much about what's going on. It's as if her father hasn't made any attempt at all to shield, to protect her from the visciousness of the situation. Oh, wait a second... :/
Lissa, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all this crap. You're a much stronger person than I am, because at this point, I would have given up.
Posted by Misu on 01/31 at 10:55 PM
Wow she's got her mother's spunk. I'm sure she's got her mother's good looks too. I just hope she never gets in a bad relationship and has children with someone she grows out of love with, because there might be a day she actually knows she needs her mother and understands the situation more, and she won't know how to correct all the past. I think she's lucky though that she has such a mother with unconditional love who understands and is not closed minded. Youth....I remember being 14. I can't imagine what life would have been like if my parents were in this situation. It has to be tough. I do know that in my own divorce with my two kids....my 11 year old daughter and 14 year old son are not allowed to talk badly about their father in front of me. I won't hear it. No matter what....that is their father. Sure he walked out on us and left us destitute because we were fighting. I was left with two kids I couldn't afford...ages 4 and 8. They know we struggled and I did what I had to do for them, because I loved them, to let them live with him in a stable home with money pouring in, instead of wondering where they would live and what they would eat daily. He put us in that position...and I still will not let them know how much I hate him for what he did. When they speak of the bits and pieces they do remember, and try to figure it out, I just say daddy loves you two more then anything. Mommy and daddy didn't love each other anymore though. He has spoken badly about me to them. Invented lies when he realized I wasn't going to beg him to come home. I wouldn't lower myself to that level...to look so pathetic to want a man who wasn't there for me emotionally sometimes even physically.
Kids will never understand...until they make the mistakes we've made. No matter how hard we try to shelter them...they will wind up making the same mistakes most times. I hope your daughter one day sees just how rough life really is when you have children and a husband and are in a relationship that just isn't one you can live forever in.
I'm so sorry Lissa to hear what you go through with this stuff. I hope all the games and gossip stops soon and everyone can join together for these kids. Anyone who truly loves them, wouldn't want them to harbor any hate inside them for their own parents. They would be filling their heads with love instead. Who wants their own children to hurt? No one. No one who loves their children at least.
My son said to me one day, after my ex had snuck and had me declared unfit after I gave him the kids till I could get a job and find a place, he said..."mommy I hate daddy". I had to yell at him sternly and look into his eyes and with my daughter sitting right there too looking lost. I had to tell them I never wanted to hear them ever say that about their father. Never in my presense. Their father loves them. All he does he does because he loves them. Imagine how hard that was for me...but my kids needed to know that.
Life's a bitch. Parents make mistakes...but they can do all they can in their power together or seperately to be sure their children's minds are happy and feeling good thoughts. Feeling loved. I feel for your children Lissa. I pray for them and for you tonight. One day...this will all be in the past. Stay strong
*hugs*
Kids will never understand...until they make the mistakes we've made. No matter how hard we try to shelter them...they will wind up making the same mistakes most times. I hope your daughter one day sees just how rough life really is when you have children and a husband and are in a relationship that just isn't one you can live forever in.
I'm so sorry Lissa to hear what you go through with this stuff. I hope all the games and gossip stops soon and everyone can join together for these kids. Anyone who truly loves them, wouldn't want them to harbor any hate inside them for their own parents. They would be filling their heads with love instead. Who wants their own children to hurt? No one. No one who loves their children at least.
My son said to me one day, after my ex had snuck and had me declared unfit after I gave him the kids till I could get a job and find a place, he said..."mommy I hate daddy". I had to yell at him sternly and look into his eyes and with my daughter sitting right there too looking lost. I had to tell them I never wanted to hear them ever say that about their father. Never in my presense. Their father loves them. All he does he does because he loves them. Imagine how hard that was for me...but my kids needed to know that.
Life's a bitch. Parents make mistakes...but they can do all they can in their power together or seperately to be sure their children's minds are happy and feeling good thoughts. Feeling loved. I feel for your children Lissa. I pray for them and for you tonight. One day...this will all be in the past. Stay strong
*hugs*
Posted by Violet1966 on 02/01 at 09:30 PM
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I thought i asked you to NOT talk badly about my father... isnt that what we agreed on so that i dont HANG UP on you when you are allowed to call? oh, and now i'm going to make some corrections for you.
"Well, considering that it has been three and a half YEARS since his father has made any attempt at all to even contact his son, much less be a father to him ... yeah, it's a big deal.
OK, to be charitable, for several months of that time, his father was under a no-contact order from the state. That's standard procedure when someone is indicted for child abuse. That order was lifted when his father was sentenced to a slap on the wrist. The order then reverted back to the one made by the juvenile court ... limited visitation under the supervision of Child and Family Services. So, we'll just say three years."
and DURING those three years, most of the time he thought he wasnt ALLOWED to see him. and when he was told he was allowed, they told him it was up to JUSTIN to say something and since he heard nothing, he figured he didnt WANT to see him, thus concluding, he didnt. he's been talking about wanting to see him for a LONG FUCKING TIME and i would know because i LIVE HERE with him and discussed with him how he coiuld try to reach out to him. so, know what? that is all BULLSHIT and since we went to court and he saw that he COULD see him, we (as in me and my father) have been discussing ways to get together with him. I talking to justin online, talked about dad and he said he wanted to talk to him. I gave him the number and he never called. dad tried AGAIN with the card. and justin was telling me about how he wanted to see him and remember, he told me to tell dad that he loved him. REMEMBER!?
"So, back to where this started ... the note from dad. He wants to see his kid after all this time. He told our son to call or email him. Right. Sure. Dude, you're a big grown up boy now. Don't make him take the first step. Pick up the phone. Call DCS. Make the arrangements. Your son is waiting. He has been waiting for three fucking years ..."
Again, he was told he isnt allowed to talk to him unless Justin comes to HIM. yeah thats right. hes not as bad as you think.
oh and by the way. we wouldnt have had to go to court if you were a semi-intelligent being. remember when richard decided to to see you? yeah well, you told me then that i could choose not to see you when i was 12. then when i got closer it was 13. and when i turned 14 and decided not to see you, all of a sudden i had no choice untill i was 16. i had to see you.
That isnt how it works you dumb fuck. 13. *I* get to choose at 13. so you know what? if you had just LISTENED TO ME, maybe i'd be seeing you right now because then you could call any time and try to talk to me and we could have worked something out or something and never had court in it at all. we only got an attorney cause you kept threatening US with one so maybe you shouldnt try to play so innocent.
We should have a VERY pleasent phone call tonight, eh mother? hell fucking no.
Oh yeah, and if you delete this, youre just a weak ass little bitch afraid to let your friends see anyone elses side of the story because maybe they'd see you arent so innocent after all.
oh yeah, and we dont blame everything on you. just the stuff that IS your fault.
Posted by Anni on 01/30 at 06:14 PM