Yep ... I made it here. I am 40 years old. The big day was actually four days ago ... I tried my best to ignore it. It didn't work. It happened anyway.
In some ways, I still feel like a 20-something. I like pop music, most trendy clothing styles (I do have my limits though) and I "think" young. I seem to remember when I was a teen-ager, my parents seemed like horribly old fashioned fuddy duddies. They liked music that was from way back when, and polyester ruled their closets. Ehh ... my kids probably think the same of me. I do get some strange looks when I sing along with the radio to the latest hit. Who knows?
Sometimes I feel like I am playing house ... when I am doing really "grown up" stuff. Like opening a new bank account, or applying for a loan. That's stuff that grown ups do! What am I doing here?
Older and wiser ... mmmaybe. Maybe not. I've learned some of life's tougher lessons. But there are still a lot of things I haven't figured out yet. I have yet to decide what I want to be when I grow up. The latest "interesting job" I have considered is travel agent. What a kick that would be!
Physically I really feel older. Aches and pains that I never had before are now a constant. I get tired easily, where I used to be able to go and go and go. I used to be able to eat anything I wanted and never gain a pound ... now I have to watch what I eat to keep the scale from creeping up even higher. The lines on my face, the gray in my hair and age spots on my hands are a constant reminder that time marches on.
Life and love ... Huh? Oh yeah, that. I gave up dating for general peace of mind. Too many freaks, assholes, and emotional retards out there ... yes, Jim, I am talking about you. Robert and Kevin too. And both Davids, and also Tony. Six losers in ten years. And people wonder why I am so cynical and jaded. Heh ...
Family ... I worry incessantly about my parents. They, too, are getting older. And their health is a primary concern. Daddy had a heart attack a few months ago ... not a big one, he didn't even know he had it until it was found during a routine check-up. Both of Mom's parents had Alzheimer's. I'm already seeing signs of it in Mom. She's told me the same story three times in the last week. I hope I can get my kids good and grown up before Mom and Daddy need my care full time. Is it selfish to want a few years all on my own with no responsibilities other than to myself?
Three teen-agers ... that's enough to age anyone, especially in my situation. Having a kid with bipolar disorder is the stuff that nightmares are made of. We are through the worst of it, but it isn't over by a long shot. My son will have a constant struggle with this for the rest of his life. My dear darling daughter, my baby girl, has hit the teen-age years big time. She's 14 going on 35, very smart, very sophisticated in many ways ... and of course, knows it all. Heh ... I was that way too at that age. I was so amazed at how much smarter and wiser my parent became from the time I was 16 until I was 21. These are the challenging years.
Everyday life ... as I become more and more knowledgeable about politics and current events, the more I question what I believe in. I am neither a lefty or a righty, Democrat or Republican ... I just have my own ideas about things, my own opinions. Some are way liberal, some swing all the way over to the conservative extreme. Most are in the middle. I read and read and read ... and I remain confused on many things.
Where my life is going .... good question! Heh ... I want to get more involved in mental health advocacy, but that tends to be a mostly volunteer thing and is very time consuming. It's all I can do to put in my time at work, take care of the things at home and not pass out before bedtime. I'd like to do something with computers ... web site design and administration. But most job descriptions require years of experience in applications I don't have access to, and many require a college degree. If they'd just give me a chance!
There are many things in my life thus far that I wish I could go back and do over. Don't we all? But when I reflect on everything that has happened, where I've been and what I have done, I can see how it all strings together, that I had to experience one thing in order to be ready for something else later on, or to be in the right place for some later event. Then that leads to wondering ... where is all of this headed? What's next?
*sigh* Life ....
« Hush me up!
Welcome to the world of 40, it ain't so bad is it?
Posted by Lynne on 04/05 at 01:02 AM