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Feeling so good, but feeling so bad

Today has been the most amazing day. I am still somewhat in shock. While I want celebrate this good fortune, this miracle that I have been praying for, my heart aches for those in Louisiana and Mississipi ... as bad as my life has been at times, it has come nowhere close to the devastation those people are experiencing now.

I am in a huge conflict of emotions. I want to laugh and dance and giggle like a girl ... our legal problems are mostly resolved. I had called the PD we had last time to see if he could help or advise. It seemed then that the answer was no, not really. But he came through for us, he went to the judge and got himself appointed to my son. He also got a guardian ad litem appointed as well. I had no idea what was going to happen today in court. I had been imagining the worst. On the way there, I had chest pains and my hands were shaking. But now, it feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted from my shoulders. Our juvenile court adventures are by no means over with, but now we have someone on our side, with my son's best interest in mind. I can deal with this now.

At the same time, I am depressed and discouraged. It seems every time I turn around, I face yet another crisis, tragedy or loss. And I am really, really tired of living this way ... always looking over my shoulder, never feeling secure. I live in a house of cards ... it would not take much for everything to completely fall apart.

But then I see on the TV ... houses utterly destroyed, a city under water, thousands of people stuck in the Superdome. Nicki lost her dream, her Bed and Breakfast in Mississippi, she nearly lost her life. We've all seen the lost man, who's wife was swept away from him, and he can't find her body, doesn't know what to do or where to go, he has nothing. The seals swept out of the marine park, the police had to destroy them to end their suffering. People picking through the wreckage, the lady who lost the photo album with pictures of her mother who was killed many years ago. I look around at my home ... my meager belongings, the furniture that is mostly hand-me-downs from my parents, the rest of it basic pieces that I worked my ass off to buy. My books, clothes, kitchen stuff, the computers, TV and stereos. My tiny little apartment ... the roof over my head, my castle, my retreat, my sanctuary. I cannot imagine it all gone. I cannot imagine the horror of that kind of devastating loss.

And I feel guilty for bitching about my sucky little life.

It's time to turn the damn TV off and knit ...
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