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Category: A Mother's Courage

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Winter Blahs

Yeah I know. I don't post very often, do I? Maybe I should look into getting a life or something.

Actually, I do have a life, and quite a busy one. It's just that much of it is very private and I don't wish to share it with just anyone. Close friends and family know what is going on, and that is good enough.

The holidays are over and I survived. It was mostly good, with just enough chaos and craziness to make it interesting. My family, being quite small with just two of my kids and my parents and me, makes for a quiet and mostly calm celebration. My son, aka J-Dude, with his ongoing anger issues, seems to manage to inject his angst into nearly everything, but we have become used to it by now and it pretty much just rolls over us and we continue on in the wake of his wrath. I had been afraid that Christmas would be quite lean indeed, but I was able to pull something together at the last minute anyway. It wasn't my first choice solution, and it will really cause some pain down the road, but it was a solution nonetheless. I was able to get Ms Thang a Playstation 2, to replace the one her father and step-mother stole from her, plus a Guitar Hero III. J-Dude got his fondest wish for Christmas, now he just needs to apologize to me for being an ass on Christmas Day and he can actually have it. My parents got me a bunch of knitting stuff ... now I need 36 hour days so I can actually get some of that done. I got both of them some books they were wanting, sweaters and other keep-warm goodies. We had a yummy breakfast casserole and Panera holiday bread. It was nice and peaceful. But that soon changed for me ...

I then joined Rich and his ginormous family for a Christmas Italian feast. Ms Thang came with me for a while before she went off to a friend's house to spend the night. Quite a contrast from a party of 5 to a party of what seemed like 50! We cooked and cooked and cooked, then ate and ate and ate, for what seemed like days. Then around midnight we collapsed in exhaustion and slept the sleep of the dead. The big family holiday is quite exciting and fun, but tiring! My high school sweet heart was the youngest of 6, and my Ex the youngest of 5, so the large family celebration is something I am familiar with, and jerk Ex's notwithstanding, I always enjoyed it. Of course, just being with a special someone for the holidays is a treat all in itself, as this has not been a part of my holiday experience for many years.

In the aftermath of the holidays, we are awaiting the impending arrival of Rich's next grandbaby. We will be heading down to Birmingham as soon as we get word. We've been waiting now for a couple weeks, with mama-to-be ripe and ready to pop any minute. Yesterday, the doc told her she is 3cm dilated and baby is fully engaged. So what does Rich do? He plans a Blogfest for Friday night! I hope folks will understand if we have to make our apologies ...

A new semester in school has started. Though not official, I have pretty much decided to change my major from Computer Science to ... something else. Don't know what yet though. I am open to suggestions. I am considering Criminal Justice, but would prefer to go into the forensics concentration. APSU only has Homeland Security in their online degree program. So, I am going to look at UT and perhaps ETSU to see what they offer, either in classroom or online. (I know ITT Tech has a program, but they are hellaciously expensive on tuition ... I could get 4 Bachelor degrees from state universities for what it costs to get just 1 from them!) It certainly is frustrating to still not know what I want to be when I grow up!

Ms Thang has just informed me that she has found herself another job at a nearby restaurant. I hope she can get lots of hours because she has a hella big car repair bill to pay! She also wants to save up so that she can start training to be a wrestler starting this summer. This is, of course, not the ideal life-path that I would prefer for her to follow ... she is amazingly gifted academically, and could accomplish anything she wanted in college. I hope that she will get a degree in something eventually. I would hate to see her be where I am now in 25 years.

J-Dude is still battling the rage demons within. He still cannot accept that it is his choices that have defined what his life is now ... no job, no car, no money, 20 years old and living with mom. He thinks he may have a job with a construction outfit, and that would be a major plus because the pay is good and can get him out and on his own two feet. I have given both kids notice that when the lease for this place is up this summer, I am out of here and I don't plan on making permanent provisions for children to follow me. I will be launching them out of the nest and it is up to them to get themselves ready to fly ... or not.

Snow is in the forecast ... possible dusting to 2 inches here. I guess I better panic soon and run out and buy 10 loaves of bread and 20 gallons of milk, and pile up 20 ricks of wood for the fireplace, and rent a snowblower to make a path to the driveway. Maybe even get a kerosene heater or two. Or I might just go shoe shopping. I'm just crazy like that!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

An Open (and final) Letter to the Sperm Donor of My Children

The following is being posted here because the man that fathered my children refuses to hear anything I have to say to him, even as I made a final and desperate plea for him to grow up, be a man and be the father his children deserve.

I know that he and his wife regularly come here to obtain information about us ... otherwise how would he know that we had moved away from Oak Ridge? I think he truly believes that I am that stupid. Anyway ... feel free to skip over the rest of this post. It's just something that needs to be said.


Dear Sperm Donor,

Last night saw a closure for our baby girl. It was a last chance for you to mend the rifts and resume your rightful place in her life, but you chose to not go that route. Instead, you allowed your hurt feelings again to rule and again you rejected her. She chose to live with me full time because your wife made her home a miserable place to be. She tried to maintain her relationship with you, she wanted to have her daddy in her life, but she could not stay in that house with that woman any longer. And what did you do? Did you act as a loving and caring father would, by ensuring that you would be available to her, to spend time with her and do everything possible to still be a daddy to her? No, you most certainly did not. You rejected her, told her she had no place in your home or life anymore and was no longer a part of the family.

Still, she persisted in trying to contact you, by whatever pretense she could. Most especially, a box full of her belongings that she asked for, repeatedly for many months. To her, your willingness to give her that box meant that you still cared about her, still loved her. Your refusal told her otherwise. She even bravely approached you directly, asked for her belongings, only to be assaulted by our oldest son (whom you poisoned against not only me, but his younger siblings as well). What she really wanted was her father's love. What you gave her was anger, hatred and "You're just materialistic!" (I find that rather ironic, since she left your home - where she could have nearly anything material she wanted, to come to mine - where penny-pinching and doing without is the norm). Funny that most of those things, other than sentimental mementos, were items that I gave to her. Your refusal to return the digital camera and the Playstation 2 may still result in theft charges being filed.

These actions closely echo what you did to our younger son. You kept his belongings from him as well, and only by the intercession of the Department of Children's Services, was I able to get those back for him. You do realize that it was that sort of attitude that resulted in the criminal charges of child abuse being lodged against you, right? They were going to just let it go with changing custody to me, but they realized that what had happened was far more than a frustrated parent overreaching with the discipline of a child. They saw the evil and ugly in you and acted accordingly. It did no good. You remained hateful and ugly to me, and removed yourself totally from his life, even though you had ample opportunity to heal your relationship with him. He, too, was desperate for his father's love. Again you rejected him. Do you remember what the final blow was that let him know in no uncertain terms that you just don't give a shit? It was on the eve of his 18th birthday, the day when you and he would be no longer constrained by the requirement of supervised visitation, he asked if he could spend some time with you the next day, which is also Christmas Day. Your reply? "Sorry, I'm too busy."

He came back into the house and announced that he no longer has a father.

The damage you have done to these children is enormous and permanent. Do you have even a clue of what you have done to them? Or are you so wrapped up in your own self-absorbed, narcissistic, delusional world of hatred that you don't care?

All of last year, I lived in fear of losing my little girl. The depths of her depression and anxiety, which were the direct result of how you treated her, was terrifying. She could barely function, lost most of the school year - our super-intelligent, gifted, honors student was failing classes - and required months of therapy and medications to keep her going. It was only by finally leaving Oak Ridge entirely that she was able to surface back into the world of truly living. Still she struggles. And as evidenced by her recent email to you, still had one slim ray of hope that she might yet have a daddy in her life. You failed her. Your final rejection last night brought her also to the same conclusion that our son had two years ago ... she no longer has a father.

The damage has been done, but they will heal. In time, they may even forgive you. But they will never forget. I see the anger and the hurt they carry from what you have done. There may also come a day when our oldest will also realize what you have done, the lies you have fed him ... and you will lose him too. Maybe someday the full realization of what you have done will come to you. It may not be until you are old, wasting away in a nursing home bed with no children or grandchildren coming to visit ... alone with nothing but maybe an old shrew of a wife at your side. That would almost be sad, except it is just what you deserve.

Several years ago, you said that you wanted to destroy me. You failed. When you realized that, first you checked yourself into a mental hospital, then you turned your venom on the children. First, onto our younger son. The state intervened, rescued him and placed him in the safety of my home, where he now enjoys unconditional love, acceptance, security and support. You failed again. Then you set out to turn our daughter against me, by filling her head with hate and lies about me. Again you failed ... you more than failed because in the aftermath of that nightmare, my little girl and I became closer and our relationship stronger than ever. She, too now enjoys a loving, accepting and safe home, here with me.

For years I have watched you cause this harm to our children, and there was little I could do to stop it. I could only mitigate it somewhat ... and bide my time. You hurt my babies and for that, there will be a price to pay. It will be my turn ... I will destroy you and I will not fail.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Feeling so good, but feeling so bad

Today has been the most amazing day. I am still somewhat in shock. While I want celebrate this good fortune, this miracle that I have been praying for, my heart aches for those in Louisiana and Mississipi ... as bad as my life has been at times, it has come nowhere close to the devastation those people are experiencing now.

I am in a huge conflict of emotions. I want to laugh and dance and giggle like a girl ... our legal problems are mostly resolved. I had called the PD we had last time to see if he could help or advise. It seemed then that the answer was no, not really. But he came through for us, he went to the judge and got himself appointed to my son. He also got a guardian ad litem appointed as well. I had no idea what was going to happen today in court. I had been imagining the worst. On the way there, I had chest pains and my hands were shaking. But now, it feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted from my shoulders. Our juvenile court adventures are by no means over with, but now we have someone on our side, with my son's best interest in mind. I can deal with this now.

At the same time, I am depressed and discouraged. It seems every time I turn around, I face yet another crisis, tragedy or loss. And I am really, really tired of living this way ... always looking over my shoulder, never feeling secure. I live in a house of cards ... it would not take much for everything to completely fall apart.

But then I see on the TV ... houses utterly destroyed, a city under water, thousands of people stuck in the Superdome. Nicki lost her dream, her Bed and Breakfast in Mississippi, she nearly lost her life. We've all seen the lost man, who's wife was swept away from him, and he can't find her body, doesn't know what to do or where to go, he has nothing. The seals swept out of the marine park, the police had to destroy them to end their suffering. People picking through the wreckage, the lady who lost the photo album with pictures of her mother who was killed many years ago. I look around at my home ... my meager belongings, the furniture that is mostly hand-me-downs from my parents, the rest of it basic pieces that I worked my ass off to buy. My books, clothes, kitchen stuff, the computers, TV and stereos. My tiny little apartment ... the roof over my head, my castle, my retreat, my sanctuary. I cannot imagine it all gone. I cannot imagine the horror of that kind of devastating loss.

And I feel guilty for bitching about my sucky little life.

It's time to turn the damn TV off and knit ...

Monday, January 31, 2005

So tired

If I weren't living this life, I would swear this kind of crap only happens in Danielle Steele novels ... or maybe Stephen King. Truly, too bizarre to be real ...
My son and his father have finally made contact. It took a rather whacky adventure to get there. I am still shaking my head in disbelief ... totally unreal.

I was talking to my daughter on the phone. She's pissed about the previous posting about this situation. I hope that I was able to make myself clear to her. It's so hard to get through ... she hangs on SO tightly to the anger. It's sad ...

Anyway, I asked to speak to her father. I wanted to let him know that I was willing to do whatever is need to get him and our son back together. But, our son cannot make the first move. It's just too much for him. I had finally got him to agree to let me contact his father for him. I contemplated this with both great hopes and trepidation.

I was again to be disappointed.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

The Smirking Father

Update 1/30/05: Please see the comment my daughter has left on this entry. I am publishing it at her request, as is, with no editing. I know it will evoke some strong reactions in many of you. If you feel you need to respond to it, please keep in mind that she is only 14. Be gentle. Those of you who have access to the other place, you can let 'er rip there.

And no, there is still no indication that their father is going to take the steps necessary to see his son, much less ensure that he receives the medical care he needs. I am still waiting though ...

======================

So I get this email from my son's teacher the other day ....

Just wanted to let you know that J has been having a great deal of difficulty at school on several occasions now due to getting upset about not seeing his father. He has stated that he really wants to see his dad, but that DCS has to arrange it, etc. I do not know what the situation is exactly, of course. Mr. Jason and I discussed this on Friday, and I believe that he was going to email you also. I don't know how much J and you have talked about this recently. He vaguely indicates that he does not let you know how much this is bothering him and how much he wants to see his dad. He has been very tearful about it several times at school recently, including having angry outbursts that turn into tears and talking about his dad.

I am also seeing a lot more anger, frustration, anxiety and depression in my son lately. Since right at Christmas. It is scaring me ... badly.

Now what happened at Christmas, you may ask ... well, my son's father sent him a note saying he wanted to see him. Big deal, right? Well, considering that it has been three and a half YEARS since his father has made any attempt at all to even contact his son, much less be a father to him ... yeah, it's a big deal.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Lying to Children

Well ... someone just stepped knee deep into the shit. She should hope she has a good attorney ... better than the idiot my ex hired.

Silly fool ... putting your crap on the Internet for all to see, PROOF of your lies and attempts to alienate my daughter, and your vile, vicious slander ... what a moron. Too late to take it down, sister, I have it copied and it's being faxed to my attorney's office first thing in the morning. And try learning how to code a fucking basic web page, would ya? That's pathetic!

A saint, huh? That's a riot. A "saint" who abused his child out of vicious anger, who refuses to apologize to the child or take responsibility for his behavior, has made NO attempt to even see him, much less try to heal the relationship and BE a father to a child who was so filled with hurt over the betrayal that he tried killing himself several times.

You're fucking delusional, sister. You better start buying lottery tickets, because I'm about to rock your little world with a harsh dose of reality, and it won't be a cheap lesson.

One of these days, I will be able to tell my little girl the truth ... karma is a wonderful thing, ya know?

Saturday, September 04, 2004

A Pathetic Father

A father who allows a child to make decisions such as this, that will cause her nothing but hurt and pain in the future, without even attempting to guide her to at least attempt a reconciliation in what can only be called a childish and selfish temper tantrum, is a pathetic representation of the institution of fatherhood.

That was part of the final pronouncement and decision of the court. The court decided to not force my daughter to just get over herself and get back to being the child of two parents in light of the likelihood that she would just make everyone's life miserable. Instead, she will make her own life miserable sometime in the future.

All because I didn't take her to the mall ... right when she wanted to go. And that I was distracted by developing events that day. Layer on the bullshit her father has been feeding her for years and then his stoking the embers of her anger into a full-blown hatred ... now one young lady's life is going to be filled with misery. When the day comes and she realizes the truth ... the whole truth, the real truth ... not the twisted crap her father has been filling her head with, well ... she thinks she's angry now? Heh ...

Her father is just sick ... arrogant, self-absorbed and evil. He is so filled with hate and anger that he willingly, knowingly and intentionally uses his children as a weapon against their mother. Watching him up on the witness stand telling lie after lie made me ill ... does he not realize this is his children's lives he is fucking with? Or does he not care?

Saturday, July 03, 2004

A direct hit!

Smacko!

Thanks, bud ... you just handed me exactly what I needed. You jumped with both feet right into the pile of shit that will eventually swallow you up. Evil is as evil does.

What the hell kind of father treats their children like shit, mentally and emotionally manipulates and abuses them into hating their mother? The lies and deceit will catch up with him one day ... but at what cost to the children? Does he even care?

I don't think so ... all he cares about is his own anger and hatred.

Pathetic ... but what comes around, goes around. Watch out dude ... here it comes

Friday, May 28, 2004

I was there

I arrived late, and left early. I spoke to no one, no one really saw me, no one that counts. I watched a sea of crimson, highlighted in gray ... young life, blossoming into maturity, stepping out into the world at large. One by one, each child stepped forward and commenced into the next chapter of their life story, now adults. My child, now an adult, among them. He will go forward from here, the wisdom of a lifetime awaits him. I pray for him daily ... and wait for the truth to set him free.

I was there and no one knew.

Monday, September 15, 2003

A Boy Becomes a Man

Today, my oldest son turn 18.

Today, a mother grieves a lost childhood.

Today, a mother has new hope ...

Because her boy has become a man.