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Category: Personal

Thursday, October 29, 2009

When routine isn’t so routine

I finally got around to getting a complete physical exam last week, my first in several years, and lemme tell ya, there was nothing routine about it. I am still shaking my head in disbelief over what has happened. I see the hand of God at work, but in ways that I do not yet understand.

I went in with the primary objective of finding out why I gained a pile of weight and lose any of it in the last year and a half, despite a low calorie diet and regular exercise. My doctor had blood drawn and in addition to the regular lab tests, said she would check my thyroid and metabolic profile. Then after recalling that my last mammogram was suspicious but never followed up (I was laid off from my job about then, and just now have a job with medical insurance benefits), she ordered another one ... right away, that day. Then she did an EKG. After that, I got dressed and was about to go schedule the mammogram for later that day.

My doctor came back into the exam room. She was quite concerned about my EKG. She showed it to me, where the T waves were inverted or flattened (inverted in aVF and flattened in lead III, for those who know this stuff). From my training and experience as a paramedic, I knew this was not a good thing, and I recognized the abnormality myself. The most likely cause of this change or deviation is a prior anterior myocardial infarction ... that's fancy medical talk for heart attack.

Now imagine not only my shock, but utter disbelief. I already mentioned that I eat a low fat diet - which includes very little beef, even the lean stuff - and that I exercise regularly, but I also have always had low blood pressure - it was 98/72 that day, my resting heart rate is around 68 - 72, and the last time my cholesterol was checked it was 145. I have always enjoyed obnoxiously good health. Heart attack? Me? Surely not!

So then, in addition to the mammogram being scheduled for later that afternoon, I was also set up for a nuclear stress test two days later, an echo cardiogram two weeks later and several follow up visits. Oh, and a referral to a dermatologist for a suspicious freckle on my nose, but more on that later.

So, what does any self-respecting woman do after receiving this kind of news, and who then had two hours to kill before getting her boobies smashed? She goes shoe shopping ... that's what.

The stress test was excruciating ... I was so bored. And hungry, and thirsty. I had to be fasting for 4 hours prior to the test, with water only. And NO CAFFEINE! Auugghh! The technician placed an IV port in my arm and injected the radioactive solution. I sat for about 30 minutes while it circulated, then I laid on a table while my heart was digitally imaged. Yes, I snoozed. Then I was hooked up to the monitor leads, and a resting EKG was run, then I sat for another 30 minutes. I snoozed some more. Then the doctor came in and I got on the treadmill. After walking for about 5 minutes - more slowly than my normal pace - it was sped up to what is for me a brisk pace. When I attained the target heart rate, more radioactive solution was injected. I stopped and they measured how long it took for my heart rate and blood pressure to return to normal, which was not long. Years of regular exercise? Yep. But the doctor said that there were still some concerning changes in the rhythm, so I was ordered to avoid any kind of strenuous activity. Then I sat - and snoozed - some more, then it was back on the imaging table, where I took yet another nap. Then I was done. I left wondering, so when is the *stress* test?

So then the waiting began. This was Thursday, they said the results of the test would be back Monday or Tuesday. Of course, no news Monday, but on Tuesday I got a message while at work from Rich saying the doctor's office had called his cell phone and left a message for me to call. Apparently, they thought his cell was my daytime phone? But when I finally spoke to the nurse, all she had was the results of my blood tests - all normal, except a severe deficiency in Vitamin D, for which they want me to take a supplement plus a once a week prescription strength dose.

Remember that dermatologist referral? Consider that with the Vitamin D thing - you know, the sunshine vitamin? Ponder for a moment and hold that thought ... we shall return to this.

Towards the end of the day Wednesday, with still no call about the stress test results or the mammogram results either for that matter, I finally called the office and asked that someone check to see if they were in. I left work and went to choir practice at church. Of course, they called just as practice was starting, but I discovered later that they left a message for me on their lab line - a phone number that patients can call to get messages and test results.

So I listen to the message left for me - my stress test came back completely normal. No signs of ischemia, tissue damage or dysrhythmia, and all values were within normal limits.

After I picked my jaw up off my lap, and giving praise and thanks to the Lord Almighty, my first thought was, how in the stinkin' heck could this be? I saw the EKGs, I know what the rhythms mean and the possibilities. Remember, almost all my blood work was completely normal. Remember too that during the stress test I had EKG changes that concerned my doctor too. I was and remain baffled. They still want to do the echo cardiogram, but they don't think that I am in any immediate danger.

OK, I will go with that. No problem. I am sure God has a lesson or message for me in there somewhere, and now my prayer is that it be revealed to me.

I also got a letter about my mammogram - recall that it was concerning a few years ago - it too, is completely normal.

Oh yeah, that dermatology appointment. The doctor doesn't like the freckle on my nose. Even though she hasn't seen me in years, she swears that it is bigger now and looks bit scaly. Now, I am quite skeptical about this. I have been a very good girl over the years, and I have always worn makeup with sunscreen in it. I do not leave the house without at least some foundation on, and when at the beach or pool, I put additional sunscreen on not only my face, but my entire body.

Lemme tell ya how devoted I am to protecting my skin from the sun ... remember what the one abnormal blood test was? Yep, Vitamin D ... the sunshine vitamin. Go figure, right?

No wonder men, like my dear husband*, are scared to death of getting physical exams. This has been crazy! Oh, and that primary objective? I guess I am on my own there. My thyroid and metabolic profile are normal, and other than being curious about it, the doctor didn't have much to say about my inability to lose weight.



(*But he better man up and get his butt in there anyway, he is WAY overdue!)

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Counting my Blessings

A little over a year ago my job came to an end. It was a contract job, intended to last only a year, but it was extended an additional 3 months in the hope that the situation changed so that I could be hired on as a direct employee. That never happened and they had to let me go. So began my year of unemployment.

At first, I frantically searched job listings and boards, networked with others in my profession, sent out resumes, filled out applications ... and even though I had several that seemed very interesting, the offers just didn't come through. It took a lot of prayer, and a lot of faith, and a lot of listening for God's voice for me to relax and be willing to wait. He was telling me it was time to rest, and in the meantime, I had other things to attend to. My children were getting ready to leave the nest, and I had to prepare for that, and find the faith that they could succeed and that I could let them go. My personal life went through some upheavals and epiphanies, finally bringing me to my knees before God so that I would get back up and on the path He wants me on. I needed this time to prepare my life for its next chapter.

Still, the job thing was not happening. I waited, with as much patience as I could muster. It was a truly a test of my faith that whatever was coming was His Will and it would be done. From that faith, my blessings have come in abundance. My children done very well, and my son has even begun to turn to Christ. My daughter is realizing how much she is really capable of, and is enjoying having her own home to take care of, as well as a job and a pretty nice fellow to hang out with. Not the least of these blessings has been joining my life with that of my best friend and soul mate. We are already wedded before God, with our "God family" as witnesses, and we are looking forward to professing our bond and commitment before man in a ceremony next spring, to make it all legal and stuff. Hanging on to that faith, and that God has a plan that would be revealed eventually, I still longed for the security that a job would bring.

A few weeks ago, I was notified that I would be getting a formal job offer soon. Three weeks, a ton of paperwork, two more interviews, and a pee test later, I now have a formal written offer for the most awesome job ever! I first sent my resume in back in May and shortly after that, I had my first phone interview with them. That's how long this has taken. But it is well worth the wait, with a salary more than double what I was making before, an excellent benefits package and opportunity for advancement. I had been stuck in entry level positions with one company going out of business after another, so that I could never advance far enough, long enough to be able to vie for better positions with experience. But for whatever reason, these folks chose me for one of three positions out of a field of 15 candidates to start. Well, I know the reason, and that would be that this is part of His plan, His will.

Isn't God awesome?!

Casualties of this Campaign

I can hardly wait until this stupid presidential campaign is over. Yet at the same time, I fear its outcome. More than anything, I hate the effect it has on friendships. I previously mentioned this developing situation a few posts ago, and it has further deteriorated.

A friend of mine, someone I have known well for many years, is a declared Republican. She says she is a Christian and holds many conservative views, but for one thing ... she is pro-choice. It's not a subject that we have discussed much in the past, it never really came up. She is aware of my views ... that abortion for birth control purposes is always wrong, but my libertarian side makes me wary of any legislation aimed at restricting the number of abortions performed. It's not something I get all riled up over, it's something other people do, that I abhor as I believe it is murder of a human being, but I try not to be judgmental of individuals because of their opinions. She, on the other hand, is apparently very invested in this pro-choice thing, something I did not realize until Sarah Palin, who holds pro-life views, was chosen to be McCain's running mate.

She went nuts! She just cannot stand Palin, she clings to each and every rumor and smear that comes down the pike and conflates the meaning of the rumor so that Palin becomes the very devil herself. Having any sort of a conversation with her is next to impossible because it always comes around to the election and how, if McCain and Palin win, every woman will come under the direct and total control of the government, all because abortion will become illegal immediately upon their taking office. Patient explanations of the facts are waved off, and if I persist, she becomes hysterical. I remain confounded.

She is now angry at me, having accused me of being among those that would "enslave women" using their uterus as the ball and chain, tying them down to raising child after child against their will. After blinking hard a few times, I asked if these hypothetical enslaved women wouldn't have some say so in the matter, as in at the moment they decided to have sex or not. Obviously, if they chose to not have sex, then they wouldn't risk getting pregnant, now would they? Of course, she replied that it is unreasonable to expect women to do without sex, that's an old patriarchal view that is also intended to keep women down and in their place. In my view, if a woman isn't willing to take the responsibility for the possible outcome of having sex - having a baby with the man she is sleeping with, then she probably should not be having sex with him.

I then went on to propose that if women wanted to have abortion as a birth control option, then men should too. If a couple gets pregnant unexpectedly, if the man doesn't want the burden or inconvenience of raising a child, or even just being financially responsible for it for 18 years or more, then he should be able to force the woman to have an abortion. Equal rights and all, you know. Her reply to that was so very predictable ... if a man doesn't want to be making babies, he shouldn't be sleeping around.

Right. Exactly. Neither should a woman. With equal rights comes equal responsibility, and it goes both ways.

Bless her heart, she just didn't know how to respond from there, and hasn't spoken to me since.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Happy ... and Sad

Today I have been both very sad and very happy, for a number of different reasons.

Most of the sadness comes from the date, and it being the anniversary of a horrible attack that was perpetrated against not only the US, but the entire Western civilization by a group of fanatical thugs. I won't get into all the whys and hows of it, we've all heard all that plenty enough.

I'm even more saddened that there are some people that hate America ... AMERICANS that hate America enough to think up and perpetuate outlandish conspiracies that accuse the US government of causing this horrible tragedy. Even 7 years later, after thorough debunking and dismantling of all the theories, they still try to push their agenda of hate for America. I have but one suggestion for people like that ... if you so hate this country, get out. Now.

I am sad that the way we came together as a single nation, as one people, to mourn our loss, to rail against those that killed our brethren has gone by the wayside. We are even further divided and farther apart than we ever were before. The flag waving and patriotism that marked our united response to our attackers is now looked down upon ... "A flag waving patriot" is now used as a derogatory description. Even worse than that is to be labeled as a "devout Christian". How totally messed up are we that the pillars of what made this country great - faith and loyalty - are now looked down upon.

So what am I happy about? Well, I have a job offer. It's a job that I have been courting for almost four months now ... three interviews, two site visits, waiting, waiting, and waiting some more, and the process has nearly reached the point of the formal job offer. Normally, I would be doing back-flips and squealing for joy ... and actually I was two weeks ago when I was notified that the formal job offer was on the way ... and I could hardly wait to tell all my friends of this wonderful news.

But then, I have also recently found out that some people that I thought were friends were never really truly friends, and all because they cannot accept that I am a devout Christian, that I consider life, all life - from the moment of conception, to be precious and that life trumps what they call a choice ... but I call a cop-out. That I believe that we all need to start taking personal responsibility for our actions AND their consequences, that the government is not there to bail us out or to provide the essentials of daily living. And that I hold traditional, family-centered, man AND woman empowered beliefs and values and won't compromise for the sake of political correctness. Or for the sake of others' opinions. I won't be silenced and I won't back down. I pity their loss of a friend. Me, I have apparently lost nothing.

So, I am sad for those lost souls.

--

I am also a little sad that I will have to become reacquainted with 6:00 am, and staying up til 3 and sleeping until noon will become a thing of the past. Oh well. Crank up the coffee maker!

Monday, May 19, 2008

The Six Year Cycle

I don't really recall when I first noticed, but I have been aware that every six years or so, it seems that my life enters into a new phase. Sometimes the transition is sudden, sometimes gradual. Some major events have happened mid-cycle, like the births of my oldest and youngest children. But the events that have heralded big changes in which my life follows an entirely new path have occurred very close to every six years.

The first big transition was when I was 6 years old and began my school career upon entering the 1st grade. Then, when I was 12, my family moved to a different city and I embarked upon the great adventure known as adolescence. That, of course, lasted about another 6 years, then came high school graduation and my entrance into the adult world at the age of 18. At the age of 24, I gave birth naturally to my second son after having a c-section with the first. I also had all my illusions about love, marriage, fidelity and honesty dashed to pieces when I learned that my husband had been unfaithful, and also realized that ours was a loveless marriage. The marriage lasted another 6 years, with my next big life phase starting with our divorce, which was granted a few weeks before my 30th birthday. I celebrated my 36th birthday as a licensed paramedic in the dawn of the new millenium, but the EMS phase of my life ended the next year, slightly off schedule, when I gained full custody of my younger son after his father and step-mother were arrested for child abuse.

The next six years were focused almost exclusively on my son. He has bipolar disorder and keeping up with that - the schools, the doctors and hospitals, insurance and TennCare, keeping him alive and trying to keep him out of trouble, and coping with his wild mood swings and personality issues - took every bit of my physical and emotional energy, and then some. My social life, which had previously been quite busy, screeched to a sudden halt.

I could no longer join my large circle of friends at the clubs on Saturday nights. Dating also became a thing of the past, which in retrospect was not such a bad thing, given some of the traumatic experiences I had, and continued to haunt me on occasion. I tried a few times, but my son would have none of it, always finding some crisis that would prompt him to call me over and over anytime I tried to go out. Most of the people I had thought of as friends turned away from me, probably uncomfortable with the issue of mental illness. I also had little time for anyone but my son. The stress and emotional exhaustion pretty much turned me into a hermit. What had been mild shyness in me became full-blown social anxiety. The little spare time I had, I filled with books, movies, my cats and knitting. That was my life for that six year period.

Shortly before my 42nd birthday, a great number of events started happening that, I thought, were heralding major, big-time life changes. I quit smoking. I was laid off from my job. My next job was back in the computer/technical business after almost four years in the insurance business. My daughter came to live with me. We moved to Oak Ridge. I made three major decisions ... one, to go back to school and get my degree, and two, to lose the horrible amount of weight I had gained, and three, to try to revive my comatose social life.

Wow. That's a lot of changes. Too bad only the quitting smoking has worked out well.

The job was great for about a year, then a new manager came in and it all went to hell and finally ended, and I still, 8 months later, can't find a new one. Having my daughter here has been great, but the circumstances she left at her father's caused her a lot of damage and we struggled to keep a handle on her depression and anxiety that resulted from it. Moving to Oak Ridge was a huge mistake, as it threw me back to a past I thought was firmly in the past. Within two semesters at school, I became dissatisfied with my choice of major, and still have no idea what I want to do now. And I have gained back a good amount of the weight that I had lost.

The Great Social Experiment ... now that has turned out to be very interesting indeed, and just to cut to the chase, it appears to be a total failure as well. I started by forcing myself out of the house to go to several general social gatherings, some with friends, some at work. Some of these forays were successful, others I barely made it out of the house. Once I started to get to know people, and could anticipate a familiar face or two at the gatherings, I found it possible to at least be able to relax after arrival, even though it was a battle just to get there. I even started dating again! All who know me went into a state of shock after hearing my adamant refusals to even consider the idea for so many years. Yes, a date. It turned into another, then another, and another. Before I knew it, it was a real relationship. I was deliriously happy, content, and could not believe how blessed I was. Unfortunately, as they say, all good things must come to an end - and in keeping with the way things go for me, the end was sudden, traumatic, mind shattering and heart breaking, coming at the worst possible moment leaving me just barely hanging on to the last shred of my sanity - and even that is in doubt at the moment. Not only have I lost the companionship and company of my best friend and soul mate, I had also grown to care very much about his family. My grief over this loss in my life is unbearable.

So, I have come all the way back full circle to where I was at the start of this six year cycle - no job, no social life, no hope and utterly alone as I face the very real possibility of homelessness. Other than the job, and maybe school, I have no desire to ever even try again. Although, on the heartbreak diet, I have lost 5 pounds in 3 days. But I think that spending Saturday nights with Netflix DVDs on the laptop, curled up in bed with a pint of Ben and Jerry's and my cats will do just fine ... at least until I can no longer pay the rent. I wonder if there are any bridges around that can get a Wifi signal?

Only four years until the next cycle starts ... if I can make it until then.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Be Careful What You Pray For

I have often, as a Christian, wondered if my prayers ever did me any good. Those with lots more Biblical knowledge than I always assure me that if I pray from the heart, in Jesus' name, that God hears me. Then I wonder if I am getting any kind of an answer, or if I think I am, am I understanding it correctly?

(The rest of this entry is set to private)

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Once again ... Tis the Season

Historically, November has been a rough month for me. Bad stuff happens this time of year - I've lost dear ones, had my heart broken, random tragedies, crises with the kids, devastating news ... This year is no different - the job situation is getting critical, I found out I am developing cataracts, my son's bipolar is getting worse, my daughter wrecked her car and we can't afford to fix it, my parents worry me to death with their health issues, we're going to have another crappy little Thanksgiving dinner in a restaurant again ... and everything I touch breaks or screws up somehow. That the world is planning for the holidays and is full of good cheer only makes it worse.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Take this job

And shove it.

How I wish I could say those words and really mean it. I am seriously pissed ... the details are posted below, available only to select readers. If you REALLY want to know, and can't see the rest of this post, email me ...

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Time

There's never enough ...


Time has become most precious in my life. There has never been enough and lately that is more true than ever. I am seriously wondering about my sanity in thinking that I could work and go to school full time, attend to all the other mundane chores and errands, and still have time for the people in my life. The most significant conversation I've had with my daughter in the last week was via IM. Nice, eh?

Summer semester in college is about 4 weeks shorter than fall or spring semesters. So, the classes I am taking are likewise condensed. Not a problem for philosophy or music appreciation, but the statistics class is killing me. It's not hard, just loads of rote calculations that take tons of time. I understand the concepts fairly easily ... I have highly analytical brain, so this stuff is like second nature. It's just the time it takes to do it. What I need is a winning lottery ticket so I can quit work and just focus on school ... but then, if I won the lottery, I wouldn't need to be going to school anyway!

I am not particularly enjoying the effect time is apparently having on me. I live firmly by the motto that Growing old is mandatory, growing UP is optional. I am not aging gracefully, I am going kicking and screaming the whole way. A recent addition to our office crew was shocked, just shocked I tell you, to learn that I am 14 years older than the fellow she was trying to fix me up with. I just laughed myself to tears. She said I don't seem that old at all.

OK, now that I am done floating 2 feet off the ground all morning ... I realize that maybe she was referring to my mature attitude, or lack thereof.

Then there's my trips to first the nail salon, and then the hair dresser on Saturday ... I noticed how old my hands are beginning to look while getting my nails done (my ONE indulgence, leave me alone!) And age spots! Ack! I've got granny hands! Then the girl that does my hair ... she just HAD to point out the fact that the number of gray hairs has increased exponentially since my last visit. Thanks a bunch, sweetie ... that's why I am here. Cover those puppies up, pluck 'em out or whatever ... I don't want to see them, and I don't want to hear about them. And kick up the red in the auburn tones a bit more while you're at it. It helps with that whole denial of aging thing.

But she did a great job on the cut. She suggested that I get some layering and texture to better show off my new curls. That still has me blown away ... that my once stick-straight hair is now fairly wavy. I guess sometimes wishes do come true!

*wishes harder for 36 hour days*

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Blogging teh crazies

Here I go again. At least this time, from a quick look around at some buddy bloggers, I am not entirely alone. Full moon? The calendar says Friday. By then I may be ready for the men with the little white jackets ...

I have never experienced anything like this before. The last 6 months or so has been nothing shy of absolutely insane. Today I find myself on the edge, unable to be still, on the verge of tears alternating with laughing hysterically at nothing, with a generalized fear of ... well, I don't know. Something.

Anxiety. It sucks, ya'll.

I've always ... ALWAYS ... been the level-headed one. Calm, cool, collected. Give me a crisis, I will manage it. It's just my own life that's a miserable mess. But still I have always just plodded on through. I wish there was something I could do, fix, change or whatever ... if only to make myself think I am DOING something about ... whatever!

Aside from not hearing anything from school about my financial aid for the summer semester, everything seems to be going along just fine. The kids are great, better than ever. My cats are great. My parents are even doing OK. Work is good, the pay sucks but the people are great - mostly.

*sigh*

I need a vacation. A week or two, laying on the beach, waited on hand and foot by a young, tanned, gorgeous cabana boys that rub my feet, massage my back and feed me peeled grapes and chocolate-dipped strawberries, while fantastic music plays, and breezes blow through the palm tree fronds. At night, they would fan me to keep me cool as I slept. No worries, no cares. Just for a little while.

*whimper*

Heck, at this point, I'd just be grateful for a full and restful night's sleep ...

OK ... let's focus on good stuff - I scored a cappuccino/espresso maker off of Freecycle. I finally replaced my old bed pillows and bought myself a new set of summer jammies (And I'm blogging in them! Ask nice and you can see!) After my misadventure with Worst Buy, I found the keyboard/mouse set I was going to spend $150 on for $78 at Amazon. I found a light version of Breyers Fried Ice Cream ... 4.5 fat grams, ya'll! And white chocolate raspberry coffee creamer.

*sigh* OK, I'm taking my jammies and going to bed. Miss Thang just got home ... she went to see Pirates tonight, so we get to compare notes for a bit. Then sleepy time.

Vacation. Yeah ... that's the ticket ...

And then there's always the lolcats, always good for a smile: